I met the most amazing man I'll ever meet in my life when I was
4 1/2 minutes old.
Not that guy.
That guy.
My dad was blind.
But no one treated him differently
because he was blind.
I find that very interesting, Mr. Boyd.
Primarily because they didn't know.
He didn't want to be looked at differently,
so he used little tricks to keep his secret.
Did you not say at your previous deposition, and I quote,
line 21,
"thanks to Mr. Tyler's buyback,
the stock prices were artificially low"?
Well... [laughs nervously]
- Yes, but... - Your witness.
Well, some people knew, like my Uncle Glen.
He and my dad had all sorts of maneuvers.
Like, Glen's book on tape version of a menu.
Double cheeseburger. Hmm.
Too many calories for me.
I'll just get the shrimp salad.
Well, I'm getting that double cheeseburger.
People knew he couldn't see perfectly.
They just didn't know he couldn't see at all.
But when my parents split and dad moved out,
he made the decision to get Elvis
and come out to the world.
And when Mel Fisher came out...
- Forward. - He came out hard.
Now you might wonder why he had a guide dog
and a cane.
Car! [Tires screech]
Blind guy in a crosswalk, you idiot!
Because you can't hit a car with your guide dog.
♪ Let's tell the world ♪
♪ all the things we've done ♪
♪ places we've been and the setting sun ♪
♪ I've got a song and a smile so bright ♪
♪ I'll make you wish you were here tonight ♪
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
When mom and dad got divorced, Katie was unwillingly appointed
mom's best friend/therapist/ everything else.
What you listening to?
You probably wouldn't know 'em.
Hey, how mad are we at Madelyn
for liking all of Amy's boyfriend's status updates?
[Groans] You can drop me off here.
I see Caitlyn.
Wait, not yet.
I feel like we haven't had any K and J time.
[Gasps] You know what we should do?
Behave like a normal mother and daughter?
Have a hooky day.
I'll blow off my psych class. We can go to the mall.
Shop for sparkly flip-flops.
What do you say?
It sounds nice.
But I know since you're my parent,
what you really want from me
is to stay in school and do well
so that I can get into a good college...
Hopefully out of state.
Keep it gaga, girl.
That's not a thing.
And Tom Hawkins is in town Thursday.
You and Glen are taking him to dinner.
Remember to get the retainer check from him.
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Wow. Janice, your Glen impression is spot-on.
[Laughs] Glen impression.
So what do you plan on telling Tom Hawkins
about the old eye situation?
Well, the truth, you know?
I've got a couple of 'em sitting here on my face.
They're blue. The ladies seem to love 'em.
You know what I mean.
We haven't told our biggest client that you are blind.
We've been lying to him since the day we met.
We have never lied to Tom.
We may have led him
to form some incorrect conclusions.
Glenny-boy, you better take these.
I'm in no condition to drive. All right.
What, a blind guy can't get
the "don't drink and drive" message out there?
You're crazy.
How is Cars scarier than Paranormal Activity?
It's a kids' movie!
That's what's so disturbing.
It's a world with just cars. There's no people.
Where are the people?
Who pumps the gas? Who built the roads?
It's this menacing secret.
The cars killed the people!
Hey.
Hey, Jenny.
Hi, we were just...
What's the deal with Cars, huh?
Why do they have seats?
If you sat in them, you'd be inside their face.
Okay.
So when's the wedding?
Come on, man.
I'm telling him at dinner, Glen.
Just like I told all our other clients.
And we lost two of them.
I'm just saying, Tom is 30% of our business.
We've had a rough year.
You with the divorce,
me going cold throwing craps at Pechanga.
I'm telling him.
I'm here, I'm blind, get used to it.
Or...
you pretend to be sighted one more time,
and we cash the check with all the nice commas and zeros.
- Glen. - Mel.
We've done it this long.
Just do it one more time.
I'm asking as your business partner,
as your brother, and as a new boat owner
who did not fully research marina fees.
[Scoffs] Are you sure this is necessary?
Essential! As your best friend,
I cannot, in good conscience,
watch you go down in flames anymore.
- Must be a drag. - It's a real bummer.
What you need is confidence, so I'm gonna give you
the Runyen premium package make-over.
You do this every day?
You think all this just happens?
I'm up at 5:00 A.M...
hair, exfoliator, body spray.
Then I watch the sun rise.
Close your eyes.
Hurry. I gotta walk Elvis.
While I was learning the benefits of hair spray,
mom was learning the benefits of her new study partner.
All right, "what is an effective means
of engaging a shy personality?"
I'm gonna go with...
Chardonnay.
Oh, my gosh, Joyce, you're hilarious.
[Door opens]
And then mom got an idea.
- I'm writing it. - Hilarious?
You think I'm hilarious? What a compliment,
coming from someone as cool as you.
Oh, hey, Katie-Cat, how was your day?
Mm.
That's eye roll for, "I had a delightful day, mother."
"Thank you for taking an interest in my life."
Katie.
This is my psych partner, Amelie.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I like your shirt. - Oh, thanks.
Yeah, it's cool, right?
Are you into the Black Keys?
They're awesome.
- I totally heart Dan Auerbach. - Right?
Oh, yeah. Although right now,
I'm in a total Arcade Fire phase.
Oh, me too!
You know they're having that secret show
at the Draft House this week?
I know! It's sold out. It's completely sold out.
It's killing me. They're so awesome!
So awesome. I love arcades.
She has no idea who they are.
The last concert she went to
was Bruce Springsteen in the late '80s.
[Laughs] Oh, my God.
I know, right?
[Laughing] No, that is so rad.
- It is? - It is?
I mean, Arcade Fire was totally influenced by Springsteen.
- Really? - Yeah.
Seriously, what was the concert like?
Oh, you don't wanna hear about...
I saw him in Jersey.
It was the best six hours of my life.
- [Laughs] - He sweat on me.
- Like, it landed on my cheek. - Oh, my gosh!
You were basically one step removed
from making out with him.
- Isn't that cool? - It's a bodily fluid.
[Springsteen's Hungry Heart plays]
While I was taking Elvis for a walk,
I also took my new look for a spin.
I was cool. I was confident.
I was... cupcakes!
[Sighs]
Man.
[Singsong] Loophole!
Hey, it didn't say anything about the dog
having to be with a blind guy.
Heads up! Let the blind kid through.
Oh, no, I'm not...
Hey, don't just stand there. Give him a hand!
Right this way.
I discovered that people treat you differently
when you're blind.
Hey, buddy! How are you?
Look at me groping at my guide dog.
Oh, so that was dark chocolate
and this is white chocolate.
Gosh, I can't see white...
but at least now I know what it tastes like.
Now, before you say I'm going to hell,
I'd like to remind you
that the only reason I had a guide dog with me
is because I take care of a blind guy.
Hey, Henry, I'm gonna have my daughter Sophia walk you home.
Sophia!
Oh, no, that's very kind, but I don't need...
help after the first few blocks.
I heard a lot of traffic out there.
Yeah, maybe I'm going to hell.
Good boy.
Forward!
Oh. So he can go with you anywhere?
Yeah. To the store. On an airplane.
To court. Court?
Yeah, I ... I mean...
He'll go with me when I'm a lawyer.
What are your dreams?
Okay. I was inching into a moral gray area.
So how often are you at your dad's?
Oh, careful. Skateboarder on your left.
I'll get to the restaurant early.
That way, I can get a couple of drinks into Tom.
- And then you arrive. - Right.
Without my four-legged wingman.
- Sorry, Elvis. - The host stand is four steps to your left.
- To my left. - The hostess's name is...
Both: Gayle.
Why do I need to know that?
She's single and attractive.
- Hello, Gayle. - Then you cross over to...
You know what, we've done this like a million times.
I got it. Besides, I'm talking to Gayle.
You mind?
How long have you been a hostess?
[Door opens]
Hey.
- Hi. - Do you have the key
to the storage cabinet in the garage?
Yes. And apparently, you have a key to my apartment.
- Trade ya! - Deal.
It was Henry's anyway. Thanks.
I just need to get my trunk of old clothes to show Katie.
- "Why?" You ask. - Not asking.
Because I have a cool new friend who thinks I'm cool
and she's making Katie think I'm cool.
It is all way cool.
- Cool! - Yes, it is.
Katie and I are on the express train to bestie town.
Ugh. Don't tell her I said that.
That was very not cool.
While you're in there, inside that cabinet,
top shelf... there's a box with a leather photo album in it,
pictures from when Katie was a baby.
See if you can find one of you holding her
when you first became a mother.
Might remind you that you're her mother.
Look, I just don't want to be the kind of mother
that's off in some room baking a cake
and nagging her about curfew.
First of all... [Clears throat]
You don't bake.
If you did, you would know
that "the other room" is called a kitchen.
- Second of all... - Goodbye, Mel.
Bye.
Makes sense. Use a cute dog to get a girl.
Why didn't I think of that?
Sneaky's my wheelhouse.
And dude, she's 14 1/2.
She keeps asking when she can come over.
Okay, two questions.
Can I use the dog on Saturday?
And why can't you just say yes?
Why are you always like this?
Wow. This is cool. What's the story with this?
I wore that to Scott Cawley's
birthday/learn to French party.
While Elvis made it possible for me to talk to a girl,
Amelie made it possible for mom and Katie
to talk to each other.
Take it, it's yours.
- Oh, my gosh. - Wow!
- That's so awesome. - Thanks!
Oh, my gosh, the leather's so soft.
That's not leather.
And you might wanna keep that away from an open flame.
- [Laughing] Oh, okay. - Instead of grunts
and door slams, they were actually
- communicating with words. - Do you like it?
[Shrill] Yeah! It looks so good!
And other happy lady noises.
- Love it? You love it? - It's amazing.
Don't freak out.
Okay, my friend who works at the label
just scored me tickets to Arcade Fire tomorrow night.
- Seriously? - Are you in?
Yes! Yes! I'm in! I'm in.
Oh, my gosh! [Both giggling]
Fun! That's so fun for you two fun gals.
Wait, you totally have to score a ticket for my mom.
She's never seen them.
- Yeah! Joyce. - I mean, if you wanna come.
I think I'm available.
Tomorrow's the 14th, right?
Yeah, I can make that work.
- No, it's the 15th. - Yeah, I can make that work.
[Squeals] Ooh! We're going to Arcade Fire!
- There's no other explanation. - You're right.
You know what it is, the cars are using people as fuel.
- Oh, my God, I need the dog. - What?
Elvis. You gotta hand me the harness
- so I can pretend to be blind. - You... blind? What?
It's for a girl. An older girl.
She wears cool glasses and smells like jolly ranchers
and I brushed against her ribcage.
Please! I need to be blind and you need to be sighted.
Okay, Henry, there is absolutely no way I'm gonna...
Henry!
Hi, it's me, Sophia. Is this your father?
Come on, dad. Help the blind kid.
Mel Fisher. Cool glasses.
Oh, thanks. [Giggles]
I don't know if I was as good
at playing blind as dad was at playing sighted.
Yeah. He's my furry little copilot.
Kind of like my own personal Chewbacca.
[Trilling]
But I was crushing it with cupcake girl.
You're so funny! He's so funny.
So funny!
Well, hey, I am so glad I ran into you guys.
I wanted to give you my number
in case you ever need any help,
you know, fighting the empire.
Dad, why don't you just take it?
It's probably right in front of you.
Bye.
See ya!
What is wrong with you? You cannot pretend to be blind.
Says the man who pretended to be sighted for 20 years.
No, that was totally different.
That was a professional thing,
and I'd just graduated from law school.
I didn't want people treating me differently.
Yeah. So you lied.
I didn't want anyone's pity.
Well, I do.
Pity's working for me. Pity was my foot in the door.
Buddy...
You don't need to play games
to get someone to like you, okay?
And you don't need crunchy hair.
Just be yourself.
I have a 12-year track record of that never working.
I'll tell you what never works.
Lying about who you are.
[Sighs]
Well, I'm sure he'll be here soon.
I mean, you know Mel.
He probably stopped at the club to sneak in nine holes.
You son of a bitch.
What?
You handsome son of a bitch!
You know what they have here? A great mint.
I'm gonna go get one, and I'll bring it back to you.
Please check out the wine list, will you?
Hangin' at the club with my homegirls!
[Giggling]
What?
You just need one more thing.
Oh.
[Gasps] We're sharing accessories!
Ah!
- We're best friends! - Oh, shoot.
Joyce, did you bring an I.D.?
Uh, I doubt anyone's gonna think I'm under 21.
But in this cute top, I better just play it safe.
Oh, wait! If it's 21-and-over, Katie can't get inside.
Shoot.
Well, I mean, if we're all dressed up,
should we just rock pinkberry?
No, don't worry. I got her a fake I.D.
Yeah! If anyone asks,
I'm Florence Stuart from Cerritos,
and I am way too fond of blue eyeliner.
- But... - Don't worry.
I'm not gonna be drinking.
I just can't miss seeing this band at a small venue.
Sure...
Yeah.
'Cause they kick ass.
- You're cool, right? - Are you kidding me?
Yes, Cerritos, I am cool.
This is gonna be so much fun, Florence.
Yeah, Joyce.
Come on. Go, go, go.
[Both giggling]
[Music thumping]
No, not cool. Not cool at all!
You're not gonna break the law to get into a club.
Oh, my God! I knew you would do this.
I knew you would ruin this for me.
I blame you. That girl's 16 years old.
She doesn't even know where Cerritos is.
You have one job. Do it well.
[Gasps] God, those are big!
You take supplements or... have a good night.
With that dog, it looks like you're blind.
- What are you doing? - I'm telling the truth.
I owe it to myself and to Henry.
No. You owe it to me.
Come on, Glen.
I'm the one who read you comic books.
I'm the one who drove you to law school.
I'm the one who alphabetically arranged
the work refrigerator so you could find things.
Yeah. Why are the pickles always under "C"?
Because it's a condiment! Come on, boy.
Why is everybody stealing my dog?
- I'm tying him up outside. - Well, good luck with that.
He's trained to stay by my side, so...
Oh! We'll get you another one.
Whoa! Yeah, he's a good boy! Yeah.
Look, this is not just for me.
This is about our firm.
I care deeply about each and every one
- of the 35 people we... - 38.
Whatever!
They're counting on us, Mel.
All right.
But there's $40,000 worth of training in this dog.
It's crazy to just tie him up outside.
Yeah. That'd be crazy.
[Elvis whimpers] Who's a good boy?
I'd like to check this, please.
Oh.
- Tom, can I top off your wine? - Are you kidding?
Look at that eager beaver holding it out
just to your left.
Oh, me next! Yeah... whoa!
I'm a freak for good chardonnay!
[Laughs]
Oh! Oh... before I forget.
Is that a check?
Yes, it is. It's a check.
How 'bout that? A check!
Here is your annual retainer up front.
Will you look at that, Mel?
He is extending the check directly to you.
[Both chuckling]
Tom, thank you so much.
And understand, this is more than just...
Numbers on a piece of paper to us.
This is a symbol of the ongoing trust
that you place in us.
And that is the cornerstone
of any great business relationship.
- And believe me, that fact... - Oh!
Fire! Check's on fire! Check's on fire!
Fire! What the hell?
What the hell's going on?
- Oh! The candle! - That's what I smelled.
Why did you put concealer on to begin with?
Runyen wanted to cover up my problem areas.
[Chuckles]
Hey, don't take it out on my face.
She says she wants to be my friend...
Easy! You're about to hit bone.
And then she suddenly switches into parent mode.
But aren't you always saying
she should stop trying to be your friend
and act more like a mom?
My face was finally clean,
and dad's conscience was about to be.
You've been blind this whole time?
Since I was 12.
But you helped me pick out that suit
for my niece's wedding.
Well, technically, Glen did.
And you looked super sharp.
You test drove my $100,000 car.
[Brakes screech]
- Nice ride, Tom. - Yep. Really hugs the road.
Really hugs it.
Yeah, that was fun.
But that does not change the fact
that we are as dedicated to serving you
as we have ever been.
I have never been so snowed in my entire life!
You're like a... you're like some kind of a...
Superhero!
A superhero?
Who still represents you in all forms of legal activity,
both corporate and personal?
Hey, you've always done top-shelf work for me.
As long as that continues, I'm not going anywhere.
See? Mel?
I always say, honesty is the best policy.
Honestly, Glen, you're paying for dinner.
And that lady's lamb chop.
So...
Anyway, I'm sorry I lied to you, but...
hopefully, you'll find it charming
how far I went to be your boyfriend?
Boyfriend?
Yeah, you... gave me your number.
Well, I gave it to your dad so I could babysit you.
- Ooh! - What?
You just have your dad call me
if you ever need a sitter.
Dude, that was a disaster...
and you are not Runyen.
Nope.
But... you heard all that?
Yep.
Good! I'm glad.
'Cause all girls should know that I'm not smooth.
Attention, ladies.
I'm not smooth!
[As Yoda] Not smooth, I am.
I get awkward and tongue-tied around girls I like.
And girls I don't like. And boys.
Pretty much anyone who's not Runyen.
[As Yoda] Funny, you are.
[Both laugh]
Dad was right. Being yourself may not be easy,
but it's the right thing to do.
[Giggles]
It got Jenny to notice me.
So you used one girl
to get another girl's attention?
You're a playa, man!
A varsity playa!
It got dad a client for life.
Appreciate your confidence.
And it even brought mom and Katie closer.
Oh, my God. Bruce Springsteen?
Don't read too much into this.
Well, a little closer.
Okay, in the spirit of total honesty,
I may have left one tiny thing out.
Now, you know the upside of dad being himself.
But there's also a downside.
[Brakes screech]
- Blind man in a crosswalk! - Are you insane?
I'm not the idiot who was speeding!
- Mel... - What the...
You dented my hood!
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Is that... - Our former client. Yep.
- Any point in... - Oh, no, that ship has sailed.
Along with your boat. Sorry.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -